From the Counselor’s Couch...

I was working with a client one time who was particularly hard on themselves. It soon became evident that we needed to look at the internal voice they were listening to, aka their “Inner Critic”.  Actually, I just lied, it wasn’t just one client or just one time.  I honestly can’t begin to count the number of people that description applies to, myself, included. 

The old saying that sometimes “we are our own worst enemy” absolutely applies here. No fancy psycho-babble words needed. Our inner critic is an all-too-common voice, that is often on overdrive, talking to us in ways that we would never talk to another person. And yet, we give this voice free airtime, to critique us all the way into insecurity, stress, perfectionism, anxiety, depression and worse.  

Our inner critic is active when we are beating ourselves up, comparing ourselves to others, and focusing on the “never good enoughs”. When we obsess over our appearances, perfectionism, our finances, past mistakes or failures, this is that negative voice. When we ruminate on negative things people say and even on negative things in general, our inner critic may be running amuck, robbing us of enjoying the gifts in our lives and replacing it with a pressure cooker mindset, often with no release valve. 

Why do we do this?

The role of the Inner Critic most often comes from the early voices we heard in childhood, and sometimes our childhood interpretations of these voices. It also can come from early traumas like abuse or bullies, or difficulties in school (socially, academically, and performance related). It then becomes a part of our own internal dialogue, initially developed to coach us and protect us from emotional, physical or psychological harm. It unconsciously monitors and evaluates us, to keep us “safe” or operating in a way that will keep us free from scrutiny (both from ourselves and others).

It’s important to note that being critical towards this inner critic won’t make it go away. Instead, we can learn to appreciate the protective mechanism this primitive psychological tool has served to keep us safe.  But, we can also recognize that this critic isn’t necessarily helpful anymore. We don’t need it to keep us “in line.”

I am going to illustrate this point further through an observation made while working with a wise young girl that I worked with many years ago. (Changing some details to protect anonymity).  She was an athlete and had played competitively in her team sport for nearly a decade. She was very hard on herself, having had some harsh coaches and parents on the sidelines. She found herself not performing as well as she thought she should be in the sport she had played since she was tiny. Contrast this with the individual sport that she picked up at the age of 12, where she was developing talent and skill incredibly quickly. I asked her about her coach and she said, “well, I don’t have a coach. I just watch videos and teach myself and, if I make a mistake, I try to learn and do better next time.” We discussed the different methods each of these two coaches used (the harsh one, versus the teaching style she’d developed). One clearly had a more positive impact on her psychologically and performance-wise

Along the road I have found a number of helpful tools in reigning in this Inner Critic:

1. Understand and appreciate the function of the critic, so that we can achieve the same goal through a more positive means. For example, try moving from critic to coach, as in the example above. Moving from a critic to a more objective, balanced “coach” mentality, can not only be more effective, but to quote another person I’ve talked to, it is like “being on our own team” or “having our own back”.  A house divided can not stand, right?
   
   
2. Set internal boundaries, Just as we need to set external boundaries to protect ourselves, we often need to set internal boundaries with the critical inner voices in our heads.  When you notice this voice starting up, remind yourself to stop and evaluate it. Challenge the validity of these thoughts.  If they aren’t productive or accurate, set the internal boundary.
   
   
3. Serenity Prayer: A great way to challenge our negative voices is by running them through the first part of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  If I can do something productive with these thoughts, great. Those thoughts can stay. If I can’t change something, I need to accept it without ruminating on the negative. Those things I can’t change, I can turn into a prayer or just try to learn to let go.
   
   
4. Self Compassion Replace the negative voices with encouraging self talk and gratitude to rewire our brain. Remember that the tongue has the power of life and death. It’s a Bible Verse. We can speak life and death externally, as well as internally.
   
   
5. Practice Gratitude Thinking about the things we are grateful for and focusing on our positive attributes not only balances out our negative thoughts, but it also regulates cortisol, reduces anxiety and stress, and can even help to trigger the release of dopamine and serotonin, which increase an overall sense of well-being.
   
   
6. Clinical Considerations – there are times when clinical symptoms / diagnoses’ like depression and anxiety can exacerbate the negative voices in our heads. It is wise to identify if this is happening and reach out to your doctor or a counselor to help with reducing these symptoms. Please feel free to call TLCC’s mainline at 405-246-5433, should you or a loved one need help.

Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a clinical member at Transforming Life Counseling Center.