It’s Only an Illusion

My old pastor used to say, “Control is an illusion.” We think we can control events and circumstances when we are actually in control of very little. We are in control of our actions, and feelings and most of the time, our thoughts. When we try to control events outside of these areas, we will eventually be unable to control.

In these times of social-distancing, many try to control things they are not able to control. I read an article that said that the reason people rushed out to buy toilet paper – many rolls of it at a time – was that it give them a sense of control over their life, reducing anxiety. The other factor is that when people saw others buying toilet paper, they thought they better get some too. Soon there wasn’t enough for those not buying large quantities. Then, there wasn’t enough toilet paper in the store, leading to arguments and fights that people would have never have been involved in with another situation. Once the “flight or fight” response part of our brains kicked in, the rational part of the brain has no chance.

Recognizing what we are in control of is an important step to reducing anxiety. If we can look at situations that we are not in control of (like other people’s actions) we are more likely to remain calm in tense situations. This recognition has to be made before the anxiety-producing situation though, so we are prepared for it.

The more we try to gain control of situations not in our control, the more problems we have in our and other’s lives. Trying to control other’s actions is futile, and if left unchecked, can lead to anxiety disorders. This can strain relationships, especially with the people we live with. Releasing that control actually gives us freedom to live better, happier lives. The fear of not having control drives us to make irrational decisions we wouldn’t normally make.

So, what do we do? Releasing control isn’t easy when we are used to trying to control situations, events or other people’s actions. As simple as it sounds, taking 5 slow, deep breaths is a great way to get “control” of your own actions in the moment. Finding an enjoyable hobby (while reducing screen time) is a great way to distract ourselves when able. Exercise of any kind has great benefits to reduce not only anxiety, but depression as well (even more than medicine!). Soon, you will find that things that used to cause you worry or fear don’t create as much distress as they once did.

Kevin Tutty, LPC, is a Staff Clinician at Transforming LIfe Counseling Center